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. pretty ramblings from the funny farm .
they say words can change the world, but I dont want any part of that...
. It has been over a year since I last entered anything into this journal. Since then many things have happened, come, and gone. I can't say I am in a very different, or similar way of being, hard to explain I suppose in any other way; except to say "it's been awhile and there's no sense trying to catch up, so let's start over". I graduated from highschool finally, I'm working as often as I'm able, I finally got a diagnosis on the problems I have physically, I turned down an insanely generous offer to change my life, lost a family member, I have somewhat of a general understanding of what I'd like to do with my life though this can change from day to day haha, and I [yes me, you'll be just as shocked as I am] have found some peace in my life, granted it can be fleeting and easily beaten back into the hole from whence it came, but it's still there. I guess you can say; I'm learning how to be in the world. This past year has been one for the books, and I survived...

Current Mood: artistic artistic
Current Music: Joanna Newsom

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[Past/ Present]
Reverse, rewind, backtrack, to the past i think i might have given up too quickly, pushed it away too instinctively, dismissed actions and things i was too tired and confused to see. i hold tight sometimes when i shouldn't, and run away when i should really stay. Some subtleties are lost on me, and others scream in my face, i knew there was a reason i stayed as long as i did, i knew there was a reason everything that happened did. I can't foretell the future, i'm tired of trying, but i don't think endings are what's needed anymore, i do feel it, it's just that i let everything else get in the way for so long that i forgot what it all meant in the beginning, but i can see now, i remember again <3 .

Love,
Rat_food <3

Current Mood: content content
Current Music: modest mouse

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[Present]
I'm so confused today, I can't seem to get my head to work right, or remember, to function basically. I managed to get my ass to school, and work though [fun stuff!...only not really]. I can't miss much more of either one, since I've been sick with pretty much every cold/ flu that's come within a thousand mile radius of my useless immune system. Hospital visits were NOT number one on my list of things I wanted to do this month but hey! they say spontaneity is the fruit of life, or some other "life truth" equally as puke inducing. I would definately have to say though that they've improved the waiting times at the hospital quite a bit [even with all the scared little sick people thinking their going to die from pig flu] I only had to wait an hour and a half, which is substantially less compared to earlier trips I've had to make [I should do hospital reviews for a living! I've been to enough of them haha]. So yeah, I just though I'd express my love for super duper [disgustingly early] fantabulous christmas songs stuck in your head at 3 am. looping over and over with only two thirds of the words semi-guessed to the point where you might actually be able to sing it if commanded at gun point. I refer to this as RETAIL TORTURE, as it's the one time a year a company can brain wash their employees [and customers may I add] over the building intercom to the point that they're not quite sure what they're name is anymore, and get away with it in the name of "holiday spirit". Don't get me wrong I actually don't hate christmas, I just hate pretty much everything that goes with it, mostly people, if I'm going to be honest. Enough about a holiday that is more than a month away though, I'd rather leave on a more intelligent note, so with that in mind I'd just like to say; I get to sleep in tommorrow! na na na na na naaaaa! pfffffttttttt! haha...yeah.

Love,
Rat_food <3

Current Mood: tired tired

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[ Past/ Present ]
i will do better than anyone expects, i will do worse than anyone expects, they've all grown accustomed to my way of being, time to change it up a little, spice it up! let's see what we can fuck with next! haha [ forgive me father for i have sinned, it's been forever since my last confession] :  i pretend to care about things i don't so that certain insecure people will like me better. i hurt myself sometimes because it feels better than nothing. i had sex with my best friend. i let my boyfriend think i'm a "nice" girl so that he feels bad about the things he does sometimes because it makes me feel like a better person. i told my friend it was ok to cheat on her boyfriend when she was drunk because i didn't like him, so she did, and now they're not together anymore. i give my mom's boyfriend the middle finger when no one's looking at any opportunity i get, but i'm not even sure why i do it. i like intimidating men with my sexuality. i like drugs and alcohol more than i like most of the people i know the majority of the time. i'm afraid to get mad, and being afraid makes me mad. i slept with a guy in my circle of friends that i knew had a girlfriend [and pretended i didn't know] because i knew he had done it before, and then helped make him a social outcast. i threw out everything my biological father ever gave me when i turned 18. i've kept more secrets than even i would like to admit & the list goes on and on. i can hope there's some kind of salvation in honesty, but i gave up on being saved a long time ago, by man or "god" alike, there's no such thing as a savior for someone no one should trust enough to save in the first place, help me or hurt me it's pretty much the same nowadays. see me, hear me, but don't rust me, you should fear me, i promise not to bite unless you tell me to...

Current Mood: sick sick
Current Music: the melvins

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[Present]
yeah ok, it's nothing personal, but fuck you too! you're not the only one capable of being a master of douchebag-ery, you of all people should know better than to fuck with me, me and you, we're nothing, forget you ever knew my name, forget what happened, forget my face, i'm not blind anymore...

Love,
Rat_Food <3

Current Mood: angry angry
Current Music: otep

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[Present/ Past]
If there were words for it, I dont know them. the kindness thrown out, in exchange for the chance to run, you're always running...but I know, I know the place you go that makes you do what you do, what we all do when we're dying, I know because I'm you sometimes, fuck I've lived in that place for years!...If you know what's left, I hate to say it, but I dont know that I can tell. You whisper a promise & shout your good intentions but stolen moments are all we have, minutes for years, when really there isn't any real time at all. My heart was gone in that brief moment, the firelight fighting the moonlight in your eyes, but that seems like such a long time ago today, and now I'm out in the dark, searching under cars and in the street for what I never meant to lose in the first place, I should have put my heart on a leash, I know. There are some people in our lives that no matter what they put us through in knowing them, we don't know how to give up on them, maybe because they remind us of us, their too much like our true selves, our real reflections, I can't tell if that's good or bad, because we're all something to someone, all saviors to some, and the ones needing to be saved, to others, we're all heroes, and we're all damned. If it was as easy as "good" or "bad" with people, life wouldn't be what it is. There is no black & white in real life, I deal with life only in shades of grey, and dream of life in color...I don't give up, not really, because I never learned how, life doesn't care about "I cant", and people often mistake can't for won't anyway. I am strong, but I am weak, we all make choices, mistakes, decisions, no one is perfect, except in the most important moments, and besides, in the beginnings & in the ends, you're in my head...

Love,
Rat_food <3

Current Mood: drained drained
Current Music: queens of the stoneage

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[Present]
i cannot be "good" for much longer...

Current Mood: depressed depressed
Current Music: korn

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[Present]
i am not what i look like, i am not what i say, i am not where i come from, im getting tired of running errands for others, but i am weak, i do not say 'no' easily, and i give more than i should sometimes, people tell me i should look after myself more, and relax, and in the same breath ask me for/ to do something or get on my case about something...my stress levels are substantial right now, i feel a break coming up hard and fast & the cycle will continue on in the aftermath. Mostly i wish to leave, i wish to run away from everything for a while at least, or for good if i like it...

Love,
Rat_food <3

Current Mood: stressed stressed
Current Music: johnny cash

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[ Present ]
I can [just barely] rememeber when the most complicated thing we had to worry about was who was 'it' in tag, or who was cheating in grounders...now it's how much bail costs, who's just died, who's pregnant, whether i'm with the right person & how to keep addictions from killing myself and the people i care about. I hate the world for that, for taking it all away, for ripping it out slowly & painfully and replacing it with filth, i don't look at anything in the same ways as i did, i know that's a part of growing up, but i never thought growing up involved so much ignoring and numbing of self. i'm not saying that i miss the 'old days', because i don't, those days had their own problems, i just miss the innocence of it all...i don't think i love anyone, at least not the way i see love, or expect it to be, it's portrayed very differently than what i can produce or experience, i know i am affected, i wonder if that's the reason for that...i wonder if i'm human enough, or if i will ever get to a place where my past doesn't effect my future, i am haunted by so many things, my ghosts are trick players and shape shifters, i can't seem to ever understand fully what it is i'm dealing with, i'm always fighting something it seems, inside or outside the struggle is there, some days are easier than others, some days i'm stronger than others, i've never been one to make plans for the future because i know how unpredictable life is, but that makes me sad, because i'd like to be someone who knows what they want and goes for it, but i'm not, im the one who makes plans, but gets side tracked half way through with the latest catastrophe...but it could always, always be worse, i know that, i won't ever forget that, i am where i am, but i've come a long way...i can't dwell in self pity for longer than it's worth, it has no use, i just keep wishing for better days and one day i think they might come...

Love,
Rat_food <3

Current Mood: discontent discontent
Current Music: modest mouse

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[ Past/ Present ]
People who steal another person's bike burn in a very special level of hell, it's the level they reserve for child molesters...and people who talk at the movies. karma is a bitch! & that's all i have to say about that...

Love,
Rat_food <3

Current Mood: pissed off pissed off
Current Music: Flobots - Handlebars

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